Fw: Ryan and Amanda and adoption

My dear sister and her husband are trying to adopt.  They have started a blog to help their birth mother find them and I wanted to spread the word.  Please keep them in mind if you come across anyone who needs to place a baby for adoption.  Thanks so much!  www.choosingadoption.blogspot.com

Emily

Subject: Ryan and Amanda and adoption

Hey Family and Friends,

As you probably know, we are trying to adopt.  We have created a blog to hopefully help our adoptive parents find and get to know us. If you would feel comfortable we would greatly appreciate it if you would forward this message on so our blog address can get to as many people as possible.  You can find our blog at www.choosingadoption.blogspot.com. 

Thank you so much,

Ryan and Amanda

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Hate this body

I seriously hate my body.  Not only because of how it looks, but much more because of how it performs...or doesn't.

I weighed myself today.  201.6.  Give me a freaking break.  I have drastically cut my calories and added in a good amount of exercise and over 2 weeks I lose all of 2 pounds.  wow.  wonderful. 

 

I hate it.  I hate how I have been tired since I was 15.  I hate how I gain weight sooooo easily but can't lose it.  I hate how I am looking old and my face is sagging at the age of 34.  I hate how my belly is was larger than the rest of my body and the skin is so loose from 5 babies that even with all that fat in there it sags down super low.  I hate that I have moles.  I hate that my hair is still falling out and looks dull and drab.  I hate that my teeth are getting more crooked everyday even though I had braces.  I hate that I have developed an acne problem over the last year and a half.  I hate that I have eczema on my eyelids and other places.  I hate my skinny lips.  I hate that the whites of my eyes don't look white.  I hate that I am not flexible and never have been.  I hate that my body always feels old and achy and not strong.  I hate that I have hypertrophic scars on my belly from surgeries.  I hate that I also have one on my breast from a mole removal done by a butcher of a doctor.  I hate that I got my ears pierced at 13 and now one of my holes has closed up because my ears have never been able to handle earrings too well.  I hate my bad posture and aching back. 

 

I am really not happy that I haven't lost more than 2 pounds.  I know it has only been two weeks.  But it seems to me that everywhere I look people are dropping pounds like it is water.  They start a diet and lose 4 or 5 pounds right off the bat.  Not me.  Not my body.  It just LOVES being fat.

 

Well, I am sick of it.

Life sucks...then you die

I'm feeling REALLY down lately.  Life is so hard.  Raising kids is not fun.  I feel completely overwehelmed by my life.  I feel like I am underwater. 

I think I am really tired.  I NEVER get to sleep the entire night through.  I am almost always awoken by a child, or if I am lucky enough to have them all sleep through the night I always have to get up to go pee.  So, I feel like a walking zombie most days.  My body doesn't feel well either.  My muscles and bones feel all tight and achy.  I feel like I am 80 years old.  I know something is wrong with me.  But doctors don't know what it is.

I am still doing good on not eating sweets.  It's been 13 days without a dessert and that is amazing for me.  I'm not doing so well on exercise.  Haven't done it the past 2 days.  My husband was out of town and when he is gone there is so much more on my shoulders that I don't usually have time to exercise and if I do or I make time by letting something else go then I don't have the necessary energy.  I am just exhausted.  I want to curl up in a little ball and cease to exist.  Dying won't work because then you have to go to the next life and keep on going and I just don't think I am going to get any rest there either.  No, I need to cease to exist. Too bad that is impossible.

My teenaged son is really disappointing me.  He has stopped attending church or any church related activites.  It breaks my heart.  He is also addicted to video games.  He has no plans for his future.  He has no aspirations.  It is so frustrating.  He is super smart and could do some amazing things but he would rather sit in his room playing video games.  Whoever made WOW is going to a very bad place after this life.  They are responsible for ruining so many lives.  I don't know what to do to get through to this kid that he needs to start LIVING his life.

I am really unhappy with where I live.  My house is too small.  It's ok though.  I love this house.  But I am unhappy with some other things that have to do with my church and in my religion where you live determines who you go to church with.  I wish we could move and get a fresh start.  But we can't sell our house nor can we afford a new one right now.  But I feel trapped and super super lonely.  No one pays attention to my family.  We feel very un cared for.  My son stops going to church and no one even notices.  No one attempts to make contact with him and try to help him. 

This is just me venting.  None of you know who I am so that is good:)  Why does life have to seem like never-ending torment.  I am seriously tired of being a parent.  It is just drudgery.  Same things day after day.  Clean up after people, cook them food so they can complain about it, try to get them to do what they need to do while not one person listens to a thing you say, referree all their stupid fights, inflict punishments on them for said fighting, put all your own needs aside and try to pretend you don't have any, clean up barf and diarrhea so often the smell stops bothering you, try not to notice the unbelievable trash dump you live in that can never be clean no matter how hard you try to make it that way.

I am just tired.

Doing Well

I am doing well on not eating sweets.  It has been easier than I thought, but there are moments when it is really hard.  Sometimes I just WANT to eat something sweet.  I have cravings for treats.  But I haven't yet had to do any baking and have my FAVORITE things in the house.  There have been things lying around that I would have normally eaten, but they are not my favorites. 

I am proud of myself for passing up so many sweets this past week. 

Exercise has not been going as well as I would like.  I have barfing kids and that is very exhausting.  My body feels so worn out lately.  I am not sure why.  I certainly haven't been getting adequate rest, so that could be part of it.  But my bones and muscles just feel so tired all the time.  I didn't exercise yesterday or Saturday.  Saturday I moved around most of the day, including going to about 9 different stores to return things.  Yesterday I laid around with a sick baby almost the whole day. 

My husband is out of town for 3 days which will make working out much more challenging.  A couple nights in a row he and I went on a walk after we got the kids in bed and it was REALLY nice.  We had a chance to talk and just be together and ALONE without some kid whining at us or asking for our help.  I think we will be walking together much more often when he is in town. 

Today I think I will do the elliptical because I just don't feel like going out in the cold. 

Right now I am off to go through a giant pile of laundry and figure out which of the clothes are ACTUALLY dirty and which ones my kids just threw in there because it was easier than putting them away!

Today

I didn't really log my food today.  I was working hard ALL DAY.  As soon as I got the kids to school I cleaned and organized our very messy playroom.  Then I proceeded to put away all of Christmas.  We have ALOT of decorations and it was a ton of work.  I am exhausted and my body is so tired.  I hate that my body fatigues so easily.  I am not sure if that is because I am overweight or if it has something to do with my thyroid or my spherocytosis or just being out of shape or a combo of all of them....but I hate it!  My back aches, my feet ache, my legs are tired. 
Once I get these hooligans in bed my husband is going to go on a walk with me.  I didn't do great on eating, but I DID refrain from eating candy and other treats I wanted.  And let me tell you it was HARD!  I REALLY want some chocolate.  But I resisted.  I am proud of myself for that. 

Dinner

For dinner I made spaghetti and meatballs.  I used some spaghetti that is high in fiber and other nutrients.  I made the meatballs from 90/10 ground beef and then baked them on a rack so any excess fat would drip down onto the pan.  The sauce is a homemade marinara but I need to check on the crushed tomatoes and tomato sauce that goes into it to see if it has added sugar.  I don't think they do. 

I also made a caesar salad to go with it.  I use 1 part caesar dressing mixed with 1 part chicken stock.  I added croutons which don't have added sugar but they are not low cal by any means.  Then some shaved parmesan.

I didn't calculate all the calories.  And I are more than I should have cause I was quite full afterward. I didn't take seconds but I guess I just started with too much.  I did have seconds of the salad but I asked my husband to give me some more and I really just wanted a bit more lettuce to go with my extra croutons but he gave me another helping.  I was distracted by a kid and didn't specify what I wanted.  I proceeded to eat it all cause it is super yummy. 

 

I ate too many snacks today.  I ate 100 calories of almonds, 50 calories of veggie straws, and a small banana.  Then after dinner at the ball game I ate about a half cup of dried cereal I brought for my 4 year old but he didn't want.  I feel like eating a bowl of cereal right now.  I feel hungry.  But I am not going to let myself because that is too much and it is late.

Sugar is BAD

Today I was reading a blog called Sugarless Diet.  I found it the other day and was surprised to find someone else who had cut sugar out of their diet.  Floriana has lost a TON of weight!  She has done so good and is an inspiration.  She is a little bit lucky because after getting sugar out of her diet she hasn't really had alot of cravings or desires for sugar and her weight has come off.  Of course, she has worked hard at exercise and she makes really good food choices.  For me, I don't think things are going to be so easy.  For some reason my body seems to want to be fat.  I have decided I am not going to weigh again for at least 2 weeks because today the scale said 204 and that was really depressing.  I am going to be faithful with eating well, exercising, and cutting out sugar for one month so that I can tell my doctor what I did and if I don't lose he can try to figure out what is going on with my body.

Anyway, back to the subject...SUGAR.  On Floriana's blog I found a link to a most interesting video of a seminar given by an endocrinologist about the effects of sugar on our bodies.  You must go watch it.  It is LONG though.  SO make sure you've got some time.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBnniua6-oM

I have known that sugar isn't good for you my whole life.  My parents raised us on an almost no sugar diet because they are scientists and they knew that sugar was bad.  But, as time went by sugar sneaked into our lives.  I sometimes think my weight problems are somewhat related to the lack of sugar in my diet as a kid because I always wanted sugar so badly that when I ever did get it I went crazy.  And once I was old enough to drive and go get my own food I ate alot of crap and sugar.  Of course, I didn't get THIS fat until after having 5 babies!  But I definitely have never had a good relationship with sugar. 

Having said that, I want to say that I do know that the lack of sugar in my diet as a kid kept my sisters and I all quite healthy.  I don't really remember going to the doctor as a young child.  I don't remember being sick very much.  We also had healthy teeth.  Of course, I was the first one to get a cavity out of my 6 sisters and myself.  I think I was about 10 or 12. 

Anyway, that video explained exactly what sugar does to your body.  It makes you fat not just because of the excess calories.  I am determined to not only get most of the sugar out of my life but to reduce the amount of sugar in my kids lives as well.  Once my husband watches the video I am going to discuss with him how we can get some of the sugar out of our kids diets.  Luckily, we are not big soda or juice drinkers.  I don't let my kids have either of those too often.  But my teenaged son (16) buys himself tons of soda and I think he drinks it at school too.  He is going to be a tough one to crack.  I am going to try to get him to watch the video, too.

The one thing that confused my on the video was how he kept saying Fructose was the problem.  I think maybe he was saying that becaus sucrose (table sugar) is made up of fructose and glucose and glucose is not bad so the fructose is the bad part.  Toward the end he said that fructose in fruit is ok because the fruit has so much fiber and the fiber negates the effects of the sugar.  But obviously sucrose is what we all eat and it is the problem.  I am unclear if using crystallized fructose in recipes is better or worse than sucrose. 

Anyway, I think it was helpful to see that video to solidify my resolution to get sugar out of my diet.  I am going to be searching for foods that are not made with added sugar (or contain very little) because with 5 kids you really can't make EVERYTHING from scratch!  I will be making a list on the sidebar.

Day 5 Exercise

I ran a little more than a mile, walked a little less than a mile, and then ran a little more than a mile again.  Basically, I have a route that is a 5k.  I start out walking for a couple minutes to warm up.  Then I run to a designated point that is a mile, but each time I run or every other time I try to run just a little further, like ot the next light post.  Then, I walk up to the halfway point, turn around and walk back to where I stopped running.  Then, I run back to where I started running just outside my neighborhood, and then I walk home for my cool down. 
I shortened my time by about 5 minutes today so that felt good but it felt REALLY tough to run the second stretch today.  I don't know what it is but my legs are just not strong.  My lungs don't really get tired, just my legs.  I wish I could go to a gym and do some strength training for my legs.  I remember as a kid when I would run my legs wouldn't get tired but my lungs would.  Now its the opposite.  I am hoping that means my lungs and heart are in good shape:)

Breakfast and Lunch

Breakfast:
1 yoplait light yogurt made into a parfait with 1 c. berries and 1/4 low fat granola (at least I think it was low fat...it was the end of the bag and had lost the box so I couldn't get the nutritional info)
300 calories

Lunch:
Tuna Sandwich (230)
clementine (30)
30 reduced fat Cheez-its (130)
~400 calories

I made the tuna like this:
to 1 can solid white albacore add 1 Tbsp mayo and 1/4 c. nonfat plain yogurt.  Mix well and add a bunch of fresh cracked pepper and 1 celery stalk chopped finely for some freshness and crunch.  Use 1/2 of this mixture to make one sandwich.  I use Nature's Own whole wheat bread which is only 50 calories per slice.  So, the tuna is 130 calories and the bread is 100 for a 230 calorie sandwich.

I have also had 1.5 bottles of water (28 oz bottle)

First Failure

Well, I didn't get any exercise in yesterday.  I won't really make excuses.  The truth is I was super exhausted by the evening after my sleepless night the night before.  I worked hard all day going to Sam's club and the grocery store.  I cooked dinner, cleaned up, took care of 5 kids....you know, the usual things moms do.  But by the evening when I had planned to exercise I was exhausted and my body was aching.  So, I didn't exercise:(

Dinner

I had a nice bowl of chicken noodle soup.  Not sure how many calories.  I also had 4 Pillsbury crescent rolls, which is 360 calories.  That was bad.  So dinner was probably about 750 calories.  I had 3 or 4 dried mangoes today too.

I am feeling like I am doing a really good job with my eating.  I am consciously not putting things into my mouth that I normally would.  I went to the grocery store and Sam's club today and bought good healthy food. 

I am really tired.  I was up most of the night with a barfing kid.  I still need to exercise tonight.  I am hoping to rest for a few minutes and then get on the elliptical once I get my kids in bed for at least 20 minutes.

I did weigh today.  I was 202.4, so that is down 1.2 pounds. I am not putting much stock in that because my weight fluctuates so much anyway, but at least the number did not go up.

I sure hope my body decides it wants to lose weight.  I have had no success with weight loss the past few years.  It is very frustrating when you are making changes and putting forth so much effort and the scale just doesn't move. 

I want to get out and start running again.  It has been super cold the last few days but it is warming up a bit again.  It was easier to run over Christmas break when I didn't have a million things that had to be done each day.  Real life makes it tougher but I am determined.  I would really like to be able to run a considerable distance by the end of the year, if not a formal half marathon.

Breakfast and Lunch

I skipped breakfast because I knew I was going to lunch with my sisters and mom at Rubios.  I had the Burrito Especial which has 840 calories, but I got it without the sour cream which saves about 100 calories, and I didn't eat a little of the tortilla.  I had about 15 chips with salsa.  So, I am figuring lunch was about 900 calories.

I am full and don't think I will be needing any snacks till dinner.  We are having chicken noodle soup which is a low calorie dinner.

Day 3 Exercise

40 minutes on the elliptical
450 calories burned

Dinner

2 pumpkin waffles

1/2 tsp butter

3 Tbsps coconut syrup

1/2 c milk

400 calories

If anyone wants the recipes for the waffles and syrup let me know.

Lunch

panini made from 3/4 of a grilled marinated chicken breast from dinner last night, 1 oz swiss cheese, 1 oroweat sandwich thin, and 1/2 tsp butter (350)

2 clememtines (70)

420 calories

23 oz water

Breakfast

1 c. Frosted Shredded Wheat (Great Value brand)

1 c. 1% milk

290 calories

1 liter of water

Success!

I have accomplished the impossible!  TWO whole days without treats!  Yes, that is a miracle for me.  I am feeling pretty happy with myself.  I really have had to exercise some self control to keep myself from eating sweets.

I am a sugar addict.  TOTALLY and completely addicted to sugar.  And when I eat a treat, like a cookie or a piece of cake, I can't eat just one.  If I bake a batch of cookies I will just keep eating them till they are gone.  If I have a piece of cake I usually have two and then continue to have pieces every so often until it is gone.  Give me a bag of candy and I will finish it.  I can't stop.  Once I put something sweet into my body I just crave more and more of it until it is gone and I CAN'T have anymore because there isn't any.

This is the reason I have decided I have to cut out all sweets.  I have decided to go off all sweet treats for a month, and then at that point I MIGHT add in a little dark chocolate.  My sister has suggested I give myself a few days during the year that I can eat sugar on.  Days like big holidays or birthdays.  I am thinking about that.  I don't want to allow myself any sugar.  But I also don't want to be miserable on holidays because all I can think about is the pumpkin pie I can't have.  I think I will have to see how it goes.  It will all depend on if I think I can eat sugar for JUST one day at a time or not.  Anyway, just a heads up that I might add in a few special days to indulge in my favorite treats.

Day 2 Exercise

20 minute walk with my son.  It is FREEZING outside!

Brainstorming Resolutions

There are so many areas of my life I would like to improve upon.  So many resolutions I could set for myself this year.  So many goals I would like to achieve.  But I have learned that setting too many New Year's Resolutions just sets me up for failure on them all.

I thought I would take a few minutes to write down some of the things I would like to accomplish.  Then I will have to narrow it down and decide on a short list to actually committ to this year.

read my scriptures daily
pray more meaningfully
break my sugar addiction (this is a definite)
lose my 60 pounds
learn to control my words and think before I speak
stop swearing (I only swear occasionally when I am really angry)
attend the temple once a month
keep myself better groomed
write a cookbook
gain a testimony of fasting
learn to offer more praise to my children and husband
smile more
become addicted to exercise
run a half marathon
help my children develop their talents
keep a neater and cleaner house
improve my posture
be successful at family scripture study


That's a good start.

1-1-11 Exercise:
2 mile walk

January 1st, 2011

This is my first blog post.  It is the first day of the new year, 2011!  I am ready to make some changes to my life.  I have decided to try this experiment.  One year of willpower.  Willpower is something I lack in many ways.  So I have chosen one thing to remove for a year and one thing to add in. 

I am removing desserts from my life this year.  I don't know how I will possibly do this other than sheer willpower.  I have a HUGE sweet tooth, plus I like to bake! I also have 5 sons!  So, sweets are a big part of my life.

I am adding in daily exercise.  EVERY day!  This will be another nearly impossible feat.  I have 5 sons!  This doesn't leave me alot of time for exercise.  But in some way, shape, or form, I will exercise for at least 20 minutes every day this year.

You may have guessed I have a weight problem.  Again, I have 5 sons!  Pregnancy has not been good to my body, not to mention that I eat when I am stressed and my kids cause me alot of stress.

So, my ultimate goal is to reduce my weight and be more healthy and active.  I need to lose 60+pounds!  That is ALOT. I am currently about 203, though I am scared to get on the scale this morning!  I want to be 140.

I have been considering the HCG diet.  I would be willing to try it except that the rapid weightloss causes many people to lose a large amount of hair.  I have lost half my hair over the past year or so due to a thyroid condition and having a baby.  I can't afford to lose any more.  So, I think I am going to have to go for the slow and steady way.

I have some other ideas for controlling my diet this year, but the most drastic and important is that I cut sugar out of my diet.  The only exception will be dark chocolate, which I will allow myself in limited quantities as we all know women NEED chocolate!  I have yet to decide how much I will allow myself.

Well, I better get going on my exercise for the day.  It won't be strenuous as I have a bad cold!  NOT a good way to start the new year!